What is our role as a parent anyway?
Many parents say their job is to make their children happy. So if this is not the case, what is the role of a parent?
Strapping into the rollercoaster ride called parenthood, little did I know that the most fashion-forward I was about to get would involve sporting the latest sleep-deprived chic look, and as it turns out, the the only clear job description I would be given was that to keep everyone alive, fed and happy - simple right?!
I found myself in a world of never ending, conflicting advice, and soon realised that there is no ‘one size fits all’ or ‘perfect’ approach - but rather, do what works best for you and your family! Because let’s face it - we are all just big kids trying to navigate this weird and wonderful journey, that’s either slightly, or vastly different, for each of us.
However, without any score card or defined set of responsibilities as such (something I was always familiar having in a workplace) I wanted to be sure I was getting this whole parenting thing right! I knew that it was crucial I understood exactly what my new title ‘Mummy’ entailed, because how could I do a good job parenting, when I didn’t know exactly what this new (and slightly important) job of parenting required?!
Leaving no stone unturned, I persisted in pursuit to understand and define what the key roles and responsibilities were for me to parent well, and what to do when it wasn’t going so well.
So based on a whole lot of research, plus a sprinkle of personal experience as both as a kid myself previously (or sometimes still) and now as a parent, here’s what I found to be the most important and most impactful roles and responsibilities when it comes to parenting.
1. Boundaries and safety
Whilst it is blaringly obvious that a parents job is to keep their children safe first and foremost, we generally want nothing more than for our children to be happy (which is beautiful of course!) However, if it means giving in to every demand these little humans make, to avoid discomfort and ensure they are happy all the time (in the short-term at least), it can actually be counterintuitive and hinder the development of their resilience and other coping skills required for happiness, long-term.
Setting boundaries even when our kids aren’t thrilled about it and become unhappy, will establish the kind of behaviour that will be accepted, while teaching kids important skills to manage the underlying emotion. Boundaries do not require a child to do anything, rather they set out actions we will take.
For example - “I can’t let you jump on that table it’s not safe, if you don’t hop down, I will come and remove you myself.”
Dissimilar also to that of an order - one which often comes to mind first, like “Get down!!!” and I can confirm, is unlikely to work anyway.
2. Validation
By hearing and seeing our children’s emotional experiences as real, even when we won’t often understand the emotions ourselves, is found to be key in supporting emotional regulation. As humans, we are going to experience a range of emotions in life, and not all are comfortable or easy. We want to encourage kids to express themselves confidently in healthy ways, without fear or judgement, and without trying to convince them to change how they are feeling and instead believe them.
For example - “That must be really hard for you not being able to jump on the table, I can see you’re upset because the floor isn’t as fun.” Opposed to: “It’s okay, don’t cry”.
If children can’t experience or express their difficult feelings, how can we expect them to develop healthy skills required to cope with them in life?
3. Repair
Of course there is no such thing as perfect! Mistakes are bound to happen and we will never get it right every time! When it comes to parenting, systems will break down from time to time, but how we take accountability for our behaviour when we do stuff up (because we will) will truly form the foundation of trust and strength that the relationship is built upon. The way in which we repair is so important long term, and a simple sorry, isn’t quite effective, instead we need to acknowledge its impact.
For example - “I’m sorry I yelled, I’m sure that felt scary, it wasn’t your fault. I’m working on staying calm even when I’m frustrated”.
How you repair over time, is shown to shape the quality of your relationship and even influence the quality of future relationships your children will form with others.
4. Model healthy behaviours
Children are avid learners through observation. And from experience, these little humans will watch, listen to, and take in every single tiny detail of what we do (when we don’t even realise it) and at some point, repeat it themselves.
This is why it is crucial to prioritise our own health and wellbeing - by taking care of ourselves and setting a positive example, we can convey the values and behaviours we wish to impart. This includes laying groundwork for how our mini-me’s will speak to themselves, and to others one day, as well as show them how they should take care of themselves. (No pressure right?!)
5. Play and connection
I get it - life is busy! Many of us are working, or on our phones, way too much, but making a consistent effort to be present, play and connect with our children, as often as possible (even in 5 minute blocks undistracted), is shown to significantly contribute to our kids overall well-being.
Play is essential for children’s learning and development, and will foster a stronger connection and sense of value, while enhancing both social and cognitive skills. Plus let’s be real - life’s too short to be all serious business! Play and laughter are the best company in any situation.
6. Ask questions
The types of questions we ask our children (whilst they won’t quite understand 99% of them just yet, depending on age) are said to form the questions they will start asking themselves, and in turn give direction to what they focus on in life and shape how they define and develop their own set of values.
For example - “How do you think this food got on the table?”
Over time, this question in particular, has the to potential to shape a mindset of gratitude and awareness.
7. Encourage curiosity and learning
Providing opportunities for self-led exploration that support a child’s interests and curiosity goes beyond fostering courage, independence, and confidence - it plays a crucial role in shaping a profound sense of self-belief in their own abilities.
By highlighting that mistakes are acceptable (encouraged even), as well as offering guidance, rather than imposing own expectations, allows children to stumble, take risks and be empowered knowing they can do hard things when they try, all of which are building blocks of resilience.
8. Celebrate differences
As parents we have the ability to guide our children towards discovering their own weird and wonderful, extraordinary gifts, that one day they might choose to share with the world.
Embracing and celebrating their individuality and letting go of expectations about who they should be, lays the foundation for incredible self-confidence and self-worth to be built, empowering them to thrive entirely as themselves.
Whilst these roles and responsibilities are not final, they can serve to offer as thought and guidance (plus are fairly important to understand for any relationship to flourish in general). It is essential we explore what works best for the unique needs, preferences and personalities when it comes to supporting our family and kiddos to thrive.
With love (& strength to parents)
Jaycee
The following list of resources were considered to form these ‘Parent job roles’ and are also recommended reads for those interested in knowing more!
Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive. Siegel, D. J., & Hartzell, M. (2003).
Parenting from the Inside Out delves into the neuroscience of parenting, exploring how the parent-child relationship, including the establishment of boundaries and repair processes, influences a child's developing brain and self-belief.
Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. Kennedy, B. (2022.)
Dr Becky’s work provides approaches to raising kids and offers practical strategies for parenting in a way that feels good.
Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting. Kabat-Zinn, J., & Kabat-Zinn, M. (1997).
This book Everyday Blessings Zinn explore the concept of mindful parenting, emphasizing the importance of connection, boundaries, and repair in fostering a healthy parent-child relationship.
Raising an emotionally intelligent child. Gottman, J. M. (1998).
John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, discusses the importance of emotional intelligence in children and how parents can foster emotional regulation through validation.
Developing Emotional Literacy with Teenagers: Building Confidence, Self-Esteem and Self-Awareness. Radcliffe, P. M., & Cassell, C. (2015).
This book explores strategies for developing emotional literacy in teenagers, emphasizing the role of validation in building confidence and self-esteem.
The Montessori Family, The Ultimate Step-By-Step Guide For Ages 0 To 5. Stockholm, G. (1999).
Discusses how to create an Empowering Montessori Home Environment and Help Your Child Grow Their Independence, Creativity and Confidence.